Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
