i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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