i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
