Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
