I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
