Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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