Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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