After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
