***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
