i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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