Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
