the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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