apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
