So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize