shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
