Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Terrible idea I love it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
