The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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