She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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