Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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