i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
