if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
