Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
