I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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