I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
