turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
