Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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