I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
that may or may not have been my penis.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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