Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
