we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
