Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
