my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
