my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
