I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
