I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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