ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
