I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
