Cold hands, warm shart.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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