i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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