I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
