how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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