now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Randomize
