i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
