i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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