once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Ketchup is God's man juice
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
