Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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