Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.