Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence