I just pynch a tree in the face
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
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I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
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Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone