god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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