i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How many fucks given?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away