I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
