Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
