May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
