Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
