the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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