Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize