I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
