MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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