I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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