No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
where are my eyebrows?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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